I wish some of those were my daydreams now.
At twenty five, I have to admit I am pretty satisfied with where I am at in my life. Energetic, successful, smart, educated, married. But its not all glamourous like I thought it would be…in fact I find myself wishing I had those long bike rides along Bay Drive in Kill Devil Hills or the security of coming home to watch Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman with my mom and dad.
I think about what it was like for me to be a kid in the 90s - I remember news stories talking about how kids just weren’t what they used to be… and now that I am 25 and ready to think about having a few of my own, I’m terrified of what it would be like to be a kid or have a kid now. At least I had a bike vs an iPad. I mean, iPads are pretty rad but I would take a bike over one any day…or a day at the beach for that matter.
Parenting - whew. I don’t know…
My entire life I have wanted to be a parent - but the older I get the more scary it is to me…what if I screw them up? Am I setting my child up for disaster by raising them here? What if I’m not ready? Do I want to be a parent for selfish reasons? Will I have to give up my career? If I don’t give up my career will my child resent me for it? These are the questions floating around in my head.
I generally overanalyze everything - and I have talked to many wise people in my life who say “You’ll never be financially ready, but its important to be emotionally ready.” I look at women who I admire and see they have raised a family & kept their jobs - and even kept their sanity. While I have also talked to others who do nothing but complain about their role as a mother, wife and business woman. I like to think these women are just whiney - but perhaps they were like me…unsure of what they wanted or when they wanted it and then they got it and it was too soon or too late. I hope that’s not me - but it would be arrogant to assume that I could never turn out that way.
At the end of the day - I just hope I turn out to be good for those I love - but until I can wrap my brain around this whole being an adult bit I think I’m gonna wait to make any major decisions. Because I want my desires to be good for those in my life now and in the future…not just for me.